What I Never Deserved
by EmberPhoenixx
Summary: Peter Pettigrew has truly lived an interesting life. Friendships, betrayals, all ending tragically with death. But what if there was more to the story? If he really as awful as most think?


**Author's Note: So this is a short story about Peter Pettigrew and how he felt about everything that happened. During most of the story he is thinking back on everything and about why he made some of the choices he did. This story takes place at the time of the battle of Hogwarts, where Peter is dead and looking at what is happening from above. The fighting scene is below him and he can see it from the afterlife. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy!**

What I Never Deserved

No one understood me. Simple as that. No had cracked the code of Peter Pettigrew and no one would.

Why though? Am I really that hard to understand? There couldn't possibly, there just _couldn't_ be not a single person but me going through this. I couldn't be the only one, right?

My life is a mystery, to everyone but me. They all think based on what happened, that's all I am.

They're wrong. Or maybe they're right.

I've made mistakes, I'll admit. I made horrible _horrible_ mistakes.

It had all ended badly. I deserved to die right there, by their hands, years ago. But I didn't. I deserved to go to the prison where nightmares are a blessing. But I didn't. I never deserved to die on my own.

After all the lives I've crushed, destroyed, and torn apart, I never deserved to choose when, where, why, and how I would go.

Not when I had stolen that choice from so many others.

Those I betrayed should've taken me down, and maybe it would make up a fraction of fair. Maybe it would help them move on after what I did. Maybe it would turn at least some of my wrongs to right.

That is what I believe and think.

No one seems to understand that though, but honestly, what right do I have to be understood? I looked down below, at the action, and I prayed my false leader would lose. For my true friends were someone here, in the afterlife, safe, while I was wallowing in a pit of self hatred and guilt.

They would never know that though. They are somewhere up here, watching the battle too I imagine, but we are separated, and separated we will stay.

Looking down again, I marveled at the scene before me. A young man was stepping up, and I could never tell you how, but I knew that he was like me. A Gryffindor, maybe not the most popular, and maybe sometimes teased by others. Except he, unlike me, turned that into something extraordinary.

Instead of crawling to acceptance, he fought for it in a way I never could have. If only I had though. But I couldn't change the past, so all could do was pray for the future and for the boy who turned timidness into strength.

Finally, after all these years, instead of asking myself why I did it that night, that night where everything came crashing down, now I know.

I was scared.

I couldn't fight against him for my friends like that boy just had. I was used to being the invisible one, the one who was never recognized. So when he approached me that night I didn't know what to do.

I was scared and confused because why me? What's so special about me, I asked him that night. The lies he fed me were like a feast for a starving man. Somewhere in my heart, I knew I should refuse him and die on the spot, but my mouth betrayed me. And just like that, I had betrayed them.

So that later that dreadful night, the young couple died because of me.

Pieces of my other friends died too, and crumbled to nothing but ash. I know even a piece of myself died. All my doing.

Then the next morning, I drove the knife further into their backs, as I betrayed my friends once again. That knife, that stab in the back, shouldn't have worked like it did. I should've let him, my old friend, kill me right there, but the lies I knew I could tell tempted me like bait. So I set the frame when I knew I had a chance and killed more innocent.

I had framed a friend and killed those unworthy of death. I had become a monster.

Horrified, I did what all monsters do when they're scared of themselves. I ran. But I knew the friend I had betrayed in the worst way would die before giving up on vengeance. The other friend had fallen for my horrible trap was out for the wrong man's blood.

When I finally met them again I was terrified. Not only of what they would do to me, but of what I did to them. Cheeks hollow, faces gaunt, and eyes full of grief, they were ready to kill me. But they didn't. A miracle I never deserved stopped them.

I would of followed along with their plan for me if jealousy hadn't taken over. The miracle believed and trusted those two men more than me. Not mere minutes ago had he been driven in hatred for one of the men, and disgusted by the other.

My miracle liked them more then me, just like his father had.

The truth that I would never be like them, never be their equal, and never have the close relationships they had was like a slap to the face. Memories of wishing to truly be part of their group flooded my mind.

All my insecurities and fears of not belonging from my school days came back to me. Consumed by hurt, envy, and rage, I escaped when I had the chance, but my memories followed me like ghosts.

I was a coward, a selfish coward. And I was scared of myself. During that time, every glance at a mirror caused a wince. The eyes that once glistened in happiness were replaced by a black hole of sadness and agony. I was in the middle of a war, one that I felt was started by myself.

Wars are not a happy time. That's definitely not a shocker.

But even through dark times, where wills are challenged against wills, certain people are able to spread happiness and joy. Certain people can still live, live like theres no tomorrow. Sometimes there isn't. And people know that, yet they still keep going.

They still keep fighting for tomorrow, for the next day, and for the future. For our generations, that will live on. For the children who deserve to live in a world where they are free. Some people just have a fire in them, a light that will never go out, a light that I wish I had during those dark times.

Here I am now though, existing only in the afterlife, reliving my story, my pain, my happiness, my betrayal. Looking down below once more I could still see war in my enemy's eyes, but the war had become just one pair of fighters.

A duo of opposites, both representing their sides. My false leader and my miracle.

As I watched the final words spill from their lips, the world stopped. The wind became a whisper, the murmuring of those watching could no longer be heard, and all eyes were them. Every heart, whether tainted with evil or flourishing with love was waiting.

And then it was over.

My cracked dry lips spread into a wild insane grin and I cheered with the crowd below me.

"It's over. It's finally over!" my awed hoarse voice called into the night, the blankness.

Looking below me I saw hugs and tears and the happiest smiles I had ever seen in my life. Suddenly an overwhelming amount of grief rushed through me.

There was a tremendous amount of a remarkable energy in the air, an energy I could never have again. It was caused by these people.

These people who love each other more then life itself.

"Maybe if things had turned out differently I would be down there, alive, happy with the rest of them," I whispered with heartbreak. The broken friendship I had mourned for for years and years was just that, broken. Shattered. Destroyed. Gone.

A warm tear slid down my dirty cheek as a mountain guilt and remorse settled upon me for not the first time that night.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed softly, filling the too silent space with the breath of a broken man.

"I'm sorry James. And I'm sorry Lily, and Harry I'm s-so sorry for t-taking your parents from you. I'm sorry Sirius, and Remus I'm sorry!" My voice began to get louder as I wept with heartache and sorrow.

"Oh merlin! I'm sorry! I'm s-sorry to all the families I tore apart, to those innocently killed! Bloody hell, w-why did I do that! I betrayed my friends, killed people who had done nothing wrong, and served a monster for years!" By now my broken voice had risen to a pain filled shout, I just had to get it all out, even if not a single person was listening.

"I'm a murderer! A selfish coward who betrayed the people he loved! Please, anyone, I need to make it right! I would give anything, bloody anything, for Harry to have his family back! For those innocent muggles I killed to get a chance at life a-again, please! Oh I'm so sorry! I never deserved you as a f-friend James! I'M SORRY! ANYONE, IF ANYONE CAN HEAR ME RIGHT NOW, PLEASE, JUST LET THOSE AFFECTED BY MY HORRIBLE CHOICES HAVE A BETTER LIFE! I'M SORRY!

By now I was down on the ground tears streaming down my face, dampening my torn shirt.

"Please," I whispered, grief-stricken and barely loud enough my own ears, "Just let all those people be okay."

Suddenly, from somewhere above I heard a voice.

"It's time Lily," the familiar tone said softly, "It's time for us to talk to him."

My sorrowful cries stopped as I turned around in shock

"J-James?"

"Peter."

"I'm so s-sorry. I can't b-believe I did that James! Oh merlin I'm sor-" My barely audible stuttering was cut off by his voice.

"I know Peter, I know."

And with that, he walked over and leaned down, reaching his hand out to pull his old friend to his feet. Just like the old times.

"Thank you James," I whispered knowing everything wasn't right yet, but someday, maybe someday it would be. Maybe someday I would be forgiven, maybe someday we could have a true friendship again, and maybe someday that happiness and love would exist in my heart again. Right now though, I just have to wait. Someday. It was an echo in my mind.

It gave me hope.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading guys! I'm thinking about making this a multiple chapter story, where I'll include reactions to Peter from Sirius and Remus. If you have any constructive criticism that would be useful and if you see any typos let me know. Also if you could leave a review or maybe a suggestion it would make my day :) Thanks again!


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